I have been reading a lot about issues around praising children. Specifically, Madhavi and I have taken the approach that over-praising is detrimental to a young child’s self-esteem. We strongly believe that healthy and positive self-esteem, along with good physical health, is one of the most important attributes we can help instill in our children. We want Anjali to draw motivation from inside, rather than rely on external praise. We want her confidence to be based on intrinsic achievement, rather than achievement solely based on external cues, such as grades, awards or praise.
Please don’t get me wrong. We are not some cold-hearted, un-loving parents who are withholding praise to teach our baby to be stronger. Quite the opposite. We show her tons of love, affection and encouragement.
I found this great article that really struck a chord with me. It sums up the praise vs. encouragement discussion. To sum up:
- “Praise motivates children to do things for extrinsic reasons (to please others) and not for intrinsic reasons (to please themselves or because the task is inherently worth doing)”
- “positive reinforcement in the form of encouragement “is more important than any other aspect of child raising” (Dreikurs, 1964, p. 36), according to its supporters. It is not judgmental, but places the emphasis on behavior and process rather than person and product.”
Those quotes are from Which Is Better: Praise Or Encouragement, by B. Kaiser and J.S. Rasminsky.
So What Do You Say?
From the research I have done, here is a list I have compiled of approaches I would take:
- Avoid labels! Don’t say, “You’re so smart,” or “You are going to be a dancer.” Instead, say, “You really read that well,” and, “You are really having fun dancing, aren’t you?” Try to praise or encourage the action.
- Related to avoiding labels, it’s better to encourage that an achievement is based on an action the child did, rather than on some innate ability. In other words, rather than saying, “You’re so smart,” because of receiving a good grade on a test, it’s better to say, “You did really well on that test,” or, “You’re studying really helped you do so well on that test.”
- Be specific with praise. Cite a specific thing the child did, rather than a generality. For example, say “You really played that blues song nicely,” instead of, “Good playing.”
- Be sincere. Kids recognize empty praise, probably much earlier than you think. They can tell when you mean it.
- Help your child appreciate results based on their own feelings and personal achievement, rather than on opinions of others. In other words, encourage them to recognize their own achievement, rather than telling them how you feel. Instead of, “I’m so proud of you,” maybe, “You must be proud of…” It may be better still to leave it open and not say anything, since pointing out that they “must be proud” is still an imposition of your own thoughts. Perhaps it’s better to let your child discover her feelings on her own. You just provide the warm, loving environment.
- Avoid comparing your children to others. Sure, everyone has different abilities. But comparisons will only encourage your child to base achievements on how he or she stacks up to others, rather than on personal standards.
I tell you, it’s not easy. It’s hard to avoid saying, “Good job,” all the time. It sometimes feels like a gray area between encouragement and praise. It’s a work in progress…
